School is stressing me.
Jason’s job is stressing me.
I’m tired of feeling like a single parent more than half the time.
I’m mad at myself for not making more CLOSE friends.
Let’s start with Jason’s job. This air station is not like Jason’s previous station. He has the same duty schedule, 1 in 4 days, but he does so much more flying.
There are three different types of duty. My husband and another guy, we’ll call him Steve, are constantly getting screwed by doing the ready crew. Ready crew means they cover any SAR cases within a 24 hour time period. There are four duty sections, and there are various people who do various jobs.. from what I understand. Anyway, they need a certain amount of people who are qualified to do certain jobs on a SAR case. They are supposed to have more people that what is required, so they can alternate duty. In Jason’s particular section, a guy cannot stand ready crew at the moment.
Therefore, my husband and Steve are doing the ready crew. every. four. days. They are supposed to alternate types of duty to give the guys a break. This has been an issue for a month, yet no one has fixed the problem, despite the command being informed. Jason and Steve need a break. They are getting burned out, and who can blame them?
It is not that I mind my husband doing his job, but I feel like him and Steve are being taken advantage of. When they go on duty, they can be sent to any number of places in the Pacific Ocean. It happens quite a bit. I never know if my husband will be home the next day or even if he will be home at the end of the week. Sometimes I don’t even get a phone call letting me know he’s in another country. I try to remember that no news is good news and nothing has happened to the plane.
It’s annoying and frustrating. And sometimes a little scary and worrisome.
It is one thing if my husband is scheduled to go on a deployment, but the unexpected deployments SUCK big donkey balls. Can my husband come home when he is supposed to? I dread him leaving for duty.
I’m in school, and am starting my upper level classes. Which means they take a lot of time and work. I NEED my husband home so I can have 2-3 hours of time, 2-3 times a week, dedicated SOLELY to school.
Another part that sucks is that I hate making plans and then breaking them.
Or my neighbors/friends going out and I am forced to stay at home. Again.
I need some adult time, that does not involve kids, cleaning, or studying. Just time to be ME. To have fun. Or even veg out, watching television.
I feel like I am constantly taking care of kids, cleaning dirty bodies and butts, cleaning the house, running errands, picking up toys, studying, trying to do projects around the house. I love my life, but sometimes I need a break.
I miss my family. I miss my friends.
I hate not being able to pick up the phone and complain or celebrate with them after 5pm (or earlier!) Hawaii time.
Or how about the fact that I am scared to get super close to anyone? I have friends, but I don’t have a best friend that I see nearly every day. I am not good at reaching out to others. I hate asking for favors, for fear I might be annoying someone.
It all comes down to me being insecure about myself. Once again, I feel like I am in middle school.
See, I told you this was a post where I am complaining and feeling sorry for myself.
It gets lonely talking to a 3 year old and 22 month old most of the day. Especially when the 3 year old talks to hear herself talk. 😉
I go out and talk to the neighbors, but I just miss the closeness of hanging out with a really good friend, letting our kids play while the adults talk or goof off.
Ugh. I hate feeling this way.
It has helped for me to type this out and organize my thoughts some.
Anywho, I am going to go put my “big girl panties on”, watch the Lion King with my babies. Hopefully they will go down easy at bedtime so I can stay up till 2am doing homework.
Any good thoughts or prayers sent my way would be appreciated. I’m feeling out of sorts today.
- Yep, I’m going to whine. (jasonsamluv.wordpress.com)
- Duty up the Booty (jasonsamluv.wordpress.com)