Baby Fever.. and a Rant.

What the heck, people?!

I have BABY FEVER. I want ANOTHER BABY.

Why? I have an adorable 8 month old babbling in front of me. Then I see a newborn or a big pregnant lady and I just melt.

I want a baby.

And for the record, I never had these feelings before I got pregnant with the little man. I did NOT want another baby, I was not excited about having another one. It was TOO SOON. My little baby girl was only 15 months old and I felt like I was ruining her life.

Stupid, I knew I was being stupid. I was not ruining Sweet Pea’s life. She loves her brother to death.

I was scared I wouldn’t love him as much as I love our daughter, again, I knew was not true. I was scared to death with Sweet Pea’s pregnancy that I wouldn’t love HER.

I fell in love with them the moment I saw them.

Anyway.

I am super blessed to be a mommy of two. Considering we aren’t supposed to have kids without IVF, and even that’s not a guaranteed thing. I struggle a lot with why I was chosen to have babies and not thousands and thousands of other women who are fighting to have their own children. I’m beyond grateful for them. I’m so thankful that they are healthy.

I feel guilty for HAVING baby fever.

Then another part of me say, why should I?!

Just because we have difficulties getting pregnant, doesn’t mean I am not allowed to WANT for the family I’ve always dreamed of…

The most frustrating part of having baby fever?

I have no idea when I’ll get pregnant again.

I could take out my IUD and start trying tomorrow, and never have another baby. Or I could get pregnant within the next two weeks.

And I might have baby fever, but I am NOT ready to be pregnant again. I need some time to breathe!

I feel cheated. I don’t get to choose when I have babies. I just want to have my family, and get over this not-knowing business. In case anyone doesn’t know, I hate not being in control of my life. I’m a planner. Always have been, always will be.

I want to kick people in their freakin’ ovaries (and no, I’m not a physically violent person) when they say, I want to start trying in June, so we can have a February baby. I want to kick them and scream at them. Do you know how lucky you are to even get to plan your pregnancies?

And God forbid it not happen on THEIR timetable. Seriously?! You are going to get upset because you might be big and pregnant in the summer?! Who cares!! YOUR HAVING A BABY! Pregnancy isn’t all fun and giggles, but its pretty awesome. Your making and nurturing a LIFE. So you have been trying for four months? Did you know it can take a year for a “normal” fertile couple to get pregnant.

A YEAR. I don’t get the freaking out when someone is not pregnant in 3 months. I had armed myself with knowledge before trying, so I knew it could take longer than we thought. (And its because of that research that I got early treatment for not ovulating.) I urge anyone who is thinking about trying or just wants to get to know their body better, to read, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Its a great resource.

Even the most fertile of couples only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant a month. TWENTY FIVE PERCENT. Jason and I’s? Less than one percent.

Yet, we’ve gotten pregnant 3 times. I have no idea how that’s happened. Two times it happened when we weren’t trying, the other time took 2.5 years. (And please don’t tell me it was because I was relaxed. I choose to believe that God wanted me to have those babies when HE wanted us to, just because I might have been relaxed has nothing to do with anything.)

I don’t NEED to get pregnant within a month or two, but it would be nice to have a YEAR that I knew I was going to get pregnant.

So, yes, I’m ranting. I might not even want another baby in 2-3 years. So this could all be moot. But its how I feel now. I feel cheated. Jason and I have talked this over, and if or when we decide to have another child, we are doing a wait and see approach. We are very happy with our two sweet babies, and if I can never give birth again, I’ll accept it.

Infertility leaves a mark on you, forever. I hate it. It’s not fair, but it was the cards I was dealt with.. I have two very sweet, loving, beautiful kids, and that has made infertility worth it all.

For the couples still struggling to complete their family, I think of you often and pray for you. I hate that anyone is on the horrible roller coaster of infertility. It’s just not fair.

With that said.

Baby Fever, please GO AWAY.

(And I do not mean to offend anyone who might be reading this, and please don’t take it that way. These are my FEELINGS, my blog, my feelings. I’m not talking about anyone in particular, just generally speaking.)
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2 thoughts on “Baby Fever.. and a Rant.

  1. I have a friend who is going through fertility treatments now and has been for months. One of her friends actually had to audacity to say, “Are you sure you really want this?!” when one of her kids was being misbehaving. It is so heartbreaking to see families who don’t cherish their children when there are other women who will never be able to have children of their own.

    Also… I think baby fever might be an extension of island fever. My ovaries dance like it’s New Year’s Eve whenever I play with babies and little kids, or even when I just see an adorable baby picture online.

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